Derailed

I just turned on the TV to see if there was anything decent to watch and low and behold a potential sex scene between Clive Owen (DEAR GOD!) and Jennifer Aniston is on Derailed on BBC 1.  Of course they don’t actually have sex (I won’t explain why as it ruins the film) but jesus it’s horny.  I want sex.  I want sex with Sofa Guy but I want rampant passionate sex.  I want to be pushed up against the wall or the bed or anything really!  

Earlier on I decided to put the secret back to the test and wrote down 4 times, I am greatful that “Sofa Guy” loves me, wants to marry me and is going to phone me later to meet up.  Sad I know, but wow it fucking worked!  20 minutes after writing that and I get a phone call, I totally didn’t expect one!  He had finished golfing with his brother and dad and phoned to come down for a few hours before going out tonight.  We had a really nice time, I massaged his feet and his legs and shot him some very horny looks before telling him I can’t wait until I get my own flat.  I plan on christening every room, i’m not sure if he will oblige lol. Anyway he said he would be back tonight.  I sure hope so.  Meanwhile my bruise on my face is looking pretty bad considering, and I have to try and hide it from my parents lunchtime tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

I am so fucking stupid

A few days ago Sofa Guy was again in a confrontational, argumentative mood and I can’t remember what over, but instead of sitting back and letting him get his own way I stood my ground.  Mistake number one I guess.  Actually… I can remember part of what happened.  I offered to cook a roast lamb dinner, and had already put on the potatoes when he told me he didn’t even want it anymore.  I turned off the potatoes and came back upstairs.  He quickly shut the laptop lid and I knew why… there was obviously porn on it.  I really do need to get over this as i’m a complete hypocrite.  Anyway this added to the arguement that was already going on so I grabbed the bottle of wine from the bedside table and was going to pour it down the sink.  I said to him, oh but if i do that you’ll leave right?  No more alcohol here so why stay.

He thought I was going to hit him with the bottle and proceeded to grab me, pinned me down with one hand around my neck and the other pushed against my face and told me never to fucking do that ever again.  I winced a bit and my heart raced but I didn’t back down.  I just looked at him right in the eye.  After he’d finished, he let go and my jaw was aching.  I have a bruise across it now, which he asked me to cover in makeup before I saw any of the housemates or my parents!  Now if that’s not the behaviors of a violent man I don’t know what is.  Now before I get shit loads of comments saying get out, run as fast as you can.. I antagonized him enough to do it.  

Which brings me onto the last couple of days.  The roast dinner was postponed that night for the next evening, which I cooked with so much love after working on the computer all day.  We both ate every mouthful and I thought today has been great!  Then as soon as I finished, I bent down to get a glass and he told me that my ass looked twice as big in a new skirt i’d bought and did I even look in a mirror?  Yet again I haven’t trained or eaten properly and I’m never going to be thin.  I got so upset so I grabbed my jeans and I left the house leaving a “You know what Sofa Guy, I love you with all your flaws and all”…

I decided I was going to go for an alternating jog  / walk across the severn bridge.  You know it’s only 2 miles there and back and it looks and feels sooo much further!  Anyway I did that, came back sweating and panting an hour later and instead of praise for getting off my ass and doing something I got “You went jogging in your jeans? Image is everything darl, you are a complete nutcase”.  I couldn’t take much more so I got in the bath and left him to his mood.  A few minutes later he came in to check on me to make sure I wasn’t trying to drown myself – how weak does he think I am!?  On one hand, does that mean he cares about me?  

I got out of the bath and sat down on the bed in my nightclothes and just laid there feeling pretty low when he starts to laugh and cuddles me.  This is his way of making up every single time especially if I am facing away from him.  We watched a film together which was really good and then snuggled up together before bed.  His moods change like the weather!  Yesterday he lost all of the money in the betting account on the cricket and was not a happy bunny at all.  Of course I got the blame, he treated me like shit.  He said I’ll catch you next week sometime which made me upset as he was supposed to come to my parents on Sunday for lunch.  I felt awful and just sat there in silence when he came around of course just as he was due to go home and mentioned the fact he had no money for golfing with his dad and brother today.  Me being a stupid mug gave him £60 when he already had kept the change from tesco yesterday so he has £75 this weekend to blow on useless crap. Why did I give him the money?  Just before he was saying all the fucking right things. I love you, we need to argue less but everything is going to be fine.  I’ll give you a text and call over the weekend and i’ll see you sunday probably.  

My friends are starting to give up on me and I feel very unhappy.  Of course your solution is get rid of him but he has something about him that makes me want him even more.  I honestly never thought anyone would treat me like this… and even more that I would let them.  I didn’t hear from him all last night, so I just went to bed, nothing this morning even though he said he would text me about his golf score.  He *might* turn up on my doorstep at 3am tonight, or he might not.  This is no way to live.

Eye Opening…

I swear, what else can happen to me?  My life is like a series of eastenders or something just as horrific and I thought it would wear off by now.  Yesterday I spent a lovely afternoon at Sofa Guy’s parents enjoying a BBQ with his parents, brother, sister in law plus kids.  I always feel really at home there even though I have only been officially twice for a meal.  Anyway the guys were playing boules on the lawn (sounds so very English!) and I was sat chatting with Sofa Guy’s mum and sister in law.  I can’t remember how the conversation went but basically I was saying I was older than Sofa Guy.  His sister in law looked confused and asked how old I was.. to which I replied 27.  She then hit me with a bombshell.  Sofa Guy is 30 next month!  

How can someone have lied to me for the past 8 months about being 5 years younger?  Why would someone lie to me about that?  I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, and Sofa guy’s mum was trying to justify things saying that he doesn’t want to be 30, and that he’s like peter pan.  more like fucking pinocchio!

He could tell something was up and kept looking over to me and asking if I was okay.  I shook my head.  How was I supposed to handle this? What could I say?  The age itself didn’t bother me one bit since it means that he is actually 3 years older than me which I think is nice.  But there are 5 years of his life that he hasn’t really accounted for.. and if he is 30 next month, he should know better than to treat me like this and act a little more responsibly.  Of course, this could work in my favour maybe it is time he wants to settle down?  I’m also the ONLY girl he has ever taken home.  How weird is that?

I am so scared right now that I have managed to bag myself a commitment phobe, a lier and a cheat.  I asked him if there was anything else that I didn’t know or that wasn’t true to just tell me right there and then.  I also asked if he had ever cheated on me and he said no.   Now I need to stop treating him like a kid, and he needs to start taking some responsible action towards life and our relationship.

A lot of thinking to do…

It’s been a while since I posted – things have been pretty similar as far as Sofa Guy comes.  My birthday was a complete disaster with him losing a bet and saying he was leaving… I thought great, just what I need on my birthday and questioned him as to why he was treating me like this.  He apologised quickly and said he wouldn’t have left me on my birthday…

Which brings me back to now…  Sofa Guy was on a stag weekend last weekend and I was going out of my mind with worry.  I had been a good little girlfriend and given him suncream and a prepaid VISA card with £100 on it (i’ll get to that in a bit) and the whole time he was away I was paranoid he was going to cheat on me.  I spent the weekend with a good friend of mine and we ended up going shopping and going out on the piss.  Whilst we were in the bar I got very tearful which quickly passed as I wandered to the bar to pick up a couple of bottles of champagne.

A guy at the bar asked me what I was celebrating.. I said “that I’m alive” and left it at that.  He and his friends followed me back to my table where we were sitting and joined us.  I paid no attention whatsoever to these guys as I just wasn’t interested.  I love Sofa Guy, I don’t want anyone else.  I noticed that all of these guys were wearing wedding rings.  One guy told me it wasn’t a wedding ring so I took it off and noticed the inscription of his name with his wife’s.  The creepy man who was sitting inbetween me and my friend kept putting his hand up my back and I asked him to stop.  He persisted on how great my tits were and how much he wanted to snog / touch / fuck me.  I told him he should be ashamed of himself with his wife and 5 year old daughter at home and what hope did it give me with my boyfriend in Spain on a stag party when we’re not even engaged.  He simply answered he’s probably fucking someone right now.

In the end I snogged two of the guys just to get rid of them. They wouldn’t leave us alone.  I hated every second of it… they were both really shit snogs and I felt so guilty and terrible afterwards I burst into tears when they left the table.  The sensible guy must have noticed because he came back over, apologised and said that none of them would have ever taken it any further than a snog and that my boyfriend wouldn’t be doing anything behind my back because he knows what he has got at home.  I was so drunk that night we came home on the early train and I passed out with my best friend looking after me at home.

Sofa Guy came back on sunday and I was out.  I wasn’t expecting him back until midnight if he even bothered to come back to mine, so imagine my surprise when I get a text message from my ex telling me that he is in my bedroom waiting for me.  When I got back I was very happy. I looked fantastic if I do say so myself and had spent 5 hours with my sister and one of her friends on the vino.  We spent an amazing evening with lots of kisses, cuddles and “I missed you’s” and I’m pretty certain he didn’t do anything.  The visa card is another story – it had expired the month before so he couldn’t use it.  Good for me eh!

Anyway, today things aren’t so rosy.  I have no idea how he truly feels.  He tells me i’m the girl he wants and that he is very happy with me but the slightest thing that I do wrong, such as make a comment about a television program that he thinks is “dense” or liking a certain type of music and he jumps down my throat.I have to really think about what I want from this relationship and if indeed I want this for the rest of my life if he chooses to stick around.  Do I really want someone who goes out every weekend?  Do I want someone who play fights and actually hurts sometimes?  Do I want someone who drinks every single day, up to 3 bottles of wine by himself?  Do I want someone who is out of work?

Lots of thinking to do!

Happy Fucking Birthday

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’m sure it’s going to be a barrel of laughs!  I know I should be greatful that I have a tiffany necklace from Sofa Guy, but I basically paid for it since I’ve put so much money in the spread betting account anyway… so I apologize if I am a little bitter.  

I don’t have any plans and in all honesty I don’t want to do anything.  Sofa Guy said he would cook me a special meal but I have a feeling that will all go wrong as per usual.  I suggested we get a hotel for the weekend so that we could be alone and intimate and he looked at me really puzzled, screwed up his face as if the idea was a terrible idea.  He also made more comments today about this house being bad luck and threw in a “You haven’t trained” for good measure.

 

I’m dating a Psycho

Well have things really gotten out of hand since I last checked in.  As I mentioned before my ex has rented out a room in our house.  The guy he has rented it to is a 20 odd year old student and since he has moved in they have been having mad parties until 5am in the morning in the room below my bedroom.  As such I haven’t had much sleep and it’s turning me very aggressive.  The second night I was kept awake I threw a glass out of my window to smash it as hard as I could on the patio outside.  The third night, it all kicked off between Sofa Guy and my ex as Sofa Guy could see how upset I was getting.

I heard them arguing on the stairs with my ex saying he didn’t have to answer or listen to Sofa Guy because he didn’t own the house.  That made me snap and I stormed down the stairs screaming “No but I fucking do!”.  We had a slanging match in front of everyone.

A few days later and my parents come to pick me up and come inside for a cup of tea.  They saw the disgrace of the living room and kitchen which I no longer occupy and they went nuts on my ex.  My ex told my mum to fuck off and I just sat there asking them not to argue since my dad is really ill.  He doesn’t need it and my ex knows that.

I offered to buy my ex out putting myself under enormous financial strain and he said no he wasn’t shifting so I have given him 2 weeks to buy me out and give me my money.  Meanwhile, me and Sofa Guy haven’t been seeing eye to eye and it’s hurting so much.  Last night I found out why he behaves so agressively and bizarrely like being paranoid that someone (sometimes even me!) is going to drug his food or drink.  He used to abuse steroids when he was younger.  I was also told he used to down half a bottle of vodka neat before a rugby game.  Friday night he went out – I was trying a different approach so as not to be so clingy and told him to have a great time.  At 1ish in the morning he phoned me and asked if I fancied a Prison Break fest.  I said sure and he arrived in a taxi and wasn’t that pissed.  Last night he went out again, but he didn’t come back.  I’m guessing it is because his nan has come down for two weeks but at the back of my mind is that little niggle since he hasn’t phoned me since and its now 8pm on Sunday.  I tried to phone him an hour ago but no answer so I am going to back off now and let him contact me.  I’m reading so many self help books my head is spinning!

I’m trying so hard to live my life when he’s not around but being carless i’m stuck here and I am miserable.  I went to a christening this morning and found out that I wasnt godmother because I’m unstable.  So fucking nice of them!

 

Is He Using Me?

I had another argument with Sofa Guy last night and I can’t really remember how it started as I had been drinking… well we both had.  I wasn’t planning on drinking but I had been listening to some dance music on earphones while he watched the cricket on TV and it got me in the party mood.

Anyway, I remember him asking me exactly what I wanted from him because I had told him I didn’t think he could give it to me.  I replied, less drink, commitment, affection, intimacy, then eventually engagement, marriage and children.  I’m finding all these emotions flying through my head a little strange though since I’ve never wanted marriage and children with both of my ex’s and believe me they were far more suitable for parents!

So we had a big argument, then we made up.  He promised that as long as I stopped the whole “broken record bullshit” about him not wanting me, and that we had fun since he was a joker that yes he could give me what I wanted eventually.   I have my doubts but went along with it for peace and quiet.  I came on upstairs and started slow dancing to some chillout music that I had playing.  He came into the room, saw my dancing, came up behind me and danced with his arms around me.  I was getting turned on (AS PER FUCKING USUAL!) but he never got an erection.  I was a bit gutted but didn’t say much.  If I had done that to my ex he would have got an erection straight away and definitely wanted me.

We laid on the bed and we talked more.  We were about to watch some Prison Break when he fell asleep and to be honest I was getting tired too so I just left him to sleep and snuggled down too.  This morning, he seemed in an okay mood.  He watched cricket, racing, boxing and darts on TV.  He drank pretty much as soon as he got up but he didn’t seem to get that drunk as the day progressed.  I made him home made burgers for lunch and some bbq chicken for dinner.  I ended up going nuts again as the chicken was just made when he disappeared into the bathroom.  He was running a bath but I couldn’t decide whether he was actually having a bath or having a wank which the very thought of made me extremely angry.  I left his dinner on the side and when he got out of the bath looked very annoyed.  He asked what was wrong and I flew off the handle saying his dinner was ruined.  I didn’t mention the whole wanking thing because I didn’t think it would be a good idea. 

One of these days I will burst though and blurt out about all the porn that I’ve seen him downloading.  I screamed at him and told him to leave.  He replied with “You don’t mean that” and I said actually I fucking do, get out I don’t want you here anymore.   He didn’t move a muscle.   I went downstairs and cooled off for a bit then came back up and apologised.  The more I thought about it, I must have looked like a complete nutcase.

Anyway I have a feeling he is using me after all.  Recently any time I make an advance to give him a kiss he turns his head around so I end up kissing his cheek.  If I go for a hug he kind of rolls his eyes and huffs.  He’s gone out again tonight and said he doesn’t know if he’ll be back since he hasn’t been home in 9 days.  I’m sat here and can’t concentrate yet again.  This isn’t good for me and i’m going to end up losing everything.  Still we’ll see if he comes back.  Yet again I gave him £30.

Meanwhile, my ex has rented out one of our spare rooms to a guy we hardly know who supposedly has a stunning girlfriend with massive boobs.  I imagine he’ll be bringing her over and I damn well know that Sofa Guy will like her since he has a thing for boobs and I have none!  That is really worrying me…  along with the fact that my brother in law has now moved out of my sisters and his house.  They are separating.  Everything is going wrong!!!!

 

 

Groundhog Day

It’s a bit like ground hog day in my house at the moment.  Sofa Guy has stayed at my house now for 9 nights in a row and every day has been almost identical.  We wake up, I work.  He bets and listens to the racing radio.  Although I’ve had sky installed now so he has been watching the racing  /cricket instead.  Then he wins a few bets, then loses a few.  Gets angry, starts drinking (9th day in a row for that too).  He threatens to leave, decides to stay.  Then we argue, watch tv, he plays on the wii and falls asleep.   

I’m bored.

 

I got SEX!

Finally!  After near on 10 weeks of no penetration I had sex last night and god it was good!  Sofa Guy did end up coming back to mine last night after he spent 30 minutes talking to a mate of his who was also going to come back but there were no taxis.  Finally he got a taxi back and I answered the door and let him in.  His mate had decided to go back home since his place was within walking distance.

We got into my room and he fell asleep on the bed. He was laid in a really awkward angle so I couldn’t fit on with him. I managed to wake him up and turn him around and I thought I’d tease him a bit so climbed on top of him.  To my surprise he started sucking on my nipples, pulled down his jeans and we fucked.  It lasted for ages too and he told me he was close to cumming so he pulled out and fell asleep.  I came twice.  I am a very happy bunny today! I just hope I don’t have to wait another 9 weeks!

Well he stayed in last night

I certainly wasn’t expecting Sofa Guy to stay in with me last night but he decided to curl up on my bed, snuggle me and watch Britain’s Got Talent instead of hitting the local bars.  We had a tv ariel fitted last week so on Wednesday decided it was a good idea to get my own TV for my room.  A 37 inch LCD which is very cool at the end of my bed.

I knew Sofa Guy was planning on going out tonight since he stayed in with me on a busy Friday night.  I was heading to the gym with my sister so I told him to pop to the cash machine and get something for dinner for us both while I was gone.  I left my cash card and went to the gym.

Four hours later I got back (yes four! don’t ask!) and Sofa Guy had been to the local tesco and cash machine.  I asked him how much he had taken out and he said he thought £30.   Now I know he was lying because later in the day he said it could have been £40.  Anyway he’d gone into tesco, bought a bottle of wine, some cans of Guinness, a small bottle of lucozade and some crisps for himself.  No dinner.  Luckily I had been to another food shop and bought a chicken and vegetables to do a roast tomorrow.  We ended up having it this evening instead.

So he didn’t give me my change, even when I asked him not to spend it all.  He’s gone out said he would be back later (not holding my breath as he was very pissed) although it’s only been 3 nights out of god knows how many he hasn’t come back to mine.  He took around £29 with him (ten will be for taxis there and back).  I’m annoyed to say the least and will have words with him in the morning when he is sober as there is no point while he is drunk.

I can’t believe that he goes to tesco and doesn’t buy anything for me… he always thinks of himself.  A very selfish person indeed.

I nearly had sex last night too but that was ruined as I got more and more amourous.  He fell asleep on my bed watching Prison Break with me but held me tight as he slept.  I couldn’t sleep so for some reason turned my head around to look at him and he was looking back at me.  Very pissed I might add.  Anyway one thing led to another and he had an erection.  I started to stroke him, he started to play with me and I whispered naughty things in his ear. He climbed on top of me with his pants pulled down (I was pantieless anyway) and I was THIS close to having full on sex, when he pointed at the ceiling and said we can’t do it as it’s not fair.  I could have screamed the house down I swear!